The Guesting Game, You said, “YES” and suddenly find yourself happily thinking about the wedding you would like to have. This is truly an exciting time in your lives, full of possibilities, questions, and dreams, and should be as stress free as possible.
Whether your wedding vision includes loads of family and friends dancing the night away at a festive reception or an intimate ceremony with closest family and friends surrounding you; the people you want to share your day with is now top of mind.
Compiling a guest list is a great place to start. A thoughtful, carefully, curated guest list will drive the budget, determine venue options, and influence the overall style of the wedding.
Start with a Guest Wish list
Sit down with your partner and significant other contributors to compile your “first-choice” list of family and friends who would make your day magical. This doesn’t have to be a chore. Making this wish list can be a joyous, sentimental experience. Even if you wind up with a list that is far larger than you originally anticipated or something rather lighter than you imagined, the ‘wish’ part is the key part. Talking with each other about the people who are important to you should relaxed, full of love, light and reminiscence of why these are your people.
Sidenote: Create a magical experience with a group luncheon or dinner, notebooks and pencils for all attending, a signature drink you are thinking of including at your wedding to sample, a coffee bar or a fun theme to use i.e., round robin, etc., or some other way to mark this fun exercise and take some stress out of what has historically been a slightly tension filled exercise.
Remember to include the obvious when compiling numbers
This happens all the time. So wrapped up in the invited guests that couples forget to include themselves on this list. From place settings and meal selection to final numbers for the venue, make sure you include:
- You and your partner
- Your wedding party
- Your supporting cast, photographer, officiant, entertainment, planning & coordinating team
Once the Guest Wish list is complied, fine tuning can commence. If it is too large, cuts may need to be made to remain within a reasonable budget. If it feels too small, stop to consider what is truly important here and decide on whether to expand it or if the day will be perfect with the people that have been included.
Some venues have minimums, but many will work with smaller groups to create the wedding that is perfect for you.
Sidenote: Create a soft copy of the Guest Wish list, including first and last names, mailing addresses, phone numbers and email addresses. Even if everyone on the list doesn’t make the wedding invitation cut, you now have a list of the people who were considered to be important enough to be included in the ‘wish’. This is a great way to keep in touch moving forward.
Reducing a Guest Wish list that is too large is more challenging than a list that feels a little light.
Questions to ask to narrow down the list
- What is the overall budget?
- How many guests can this budget support?
- Are there expectations with family, friends and co-workers that could be addressed?
- Do you want to divide up the guest list for you, your partner and anyone else that will be influencing decisions? i.e., parents, grandparents, sponsors, etc.
- Should the division be mathematically equal or more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split based on family and friends for both sides?
- Do you have a great deal of co-workers who automatically think an invitation will be pending?
Our advice: Limit co-workers to those you interact closely with daily or those you interact with socially outside of work may be a good way to handle this expectation
- Do you have to invite distant relatives?
- Have you interacted in the past 2 – 5 years? (5 years based on the recent pandemic)
- Do you plan to interact in the next 2 – 5 years
- Were you very close once upon a time but have lost touch – would you like to reconnect?
- Have you ever interacted with them?
- Do you have to invite anyone who has ever invited you to their wedding?
- Same questions as ‘distant relatives’
- Are there any internal family and friend tensions that should be addressed?
Our advice: If the persons in question will detract from your day, cause you stress or be disruptive in any way, and you can safely leave them off your guest list, do so!
Creating a secondary list
Some planners and etiquette seekers will advise you NOT to do this. Words like tacky and uncouth may be used. We live in the real world of budgets, travel concerns, and health challenges.
Our advice: Create the A list and send “Save the Date” invitations to this group only. Ask for an R.S.V. P. on the saved date. This will give you a pretty good idea of who will be able to join the festivities.
The A+ list (formally known as a “B” list) can now be put into play if necessary, to meet venue minimums.
Sidenote: Save the Date is keenly important! Whether you are planning a Birthday Party, Baby or Wedding Shower, Anniversary Celebration, Wedding, or some other event that may involve travel and time commitments, sending a “Save the Date” invitation with R.S.V.P. is a courtesy to your guest and will help with responsible, stress free planning.
Partial Invitations
Partial invitations are a great way to address a desire for an intimate ceremony with a bigger party to follow. Inviting some guests to a private wedding ceremony the day before or earlier in the day can alleviate a lot of stress for a shy couple or a couple who only have a few people they want to share this personal moment with.
Our advice: It’s okay to have a more exclusive wedding ceremony but don’t invite to the ceremony and exclude from the reception. This may send the wrong message to your guest. If you need to keep the reception small, keep the ceremony small as well.
Sidenote: We did an incredible surprise wedding ceremony during ‘first look’. Only parents and the wedding party were in attendance. The larger, public, ceremony took place later in the day, followed by an incredible dinner and dance reception.
Kids or No Kids
Having children present at a wedding can be a joyous or stressful experience. It all depends on the logistics, the couple, the kids and their parents. This is not always a personal choice either, some celebrations just aren’t ‘kid’ friendly and could result in boredom and tears.
Our advice: Be consistent, if some kids are invited, you cannot exclude others. One way to get around this, if there are children that are close and should be included, make them part of the wedding party. i.e., flower and ring bearers, junior attendants, etc.
Plus, One
Should you include a ‘plus one’ or ‘and guest’ option for your single family and friends? You want guests to have a good time so inviting their significant other, even if they are newly dating, is a good idea. You aren’t, however, obligated to add a ‘plus one’ to every guest who is single. Your wedding, your budget, your guest list. You want to be surrounded by family and friends who will enhance your day and make it magical. A room full of strangers may not be the right recipe for success.
Our advice: If you know the person who is to be the ‘plus one’, offer the option. If you have a group of single friends who aren’t actively dating, this may be a great group to seat together at a luncheon or dinner reception. Trust your instincts.
Planning your wedding is part of the journey so be sure to enjoy it, be present for it and cherish each memory made. Assemble a team and supporting cast around you who will share your vision, champion it, and help you to “be a guest at your own wedding”.